FACEBOOK – Fakebook/ Fanaticbook or Funbook

 

Mark Zuckerberg gave social media and networking a whole new meaning across the world (except for Bangladesh, China, Egypt, Iran, Morocco and North Korea where it’s banned ) when he created Facebook in 2004.

But the rest of us around the word use it and how. Facebook is a big part ….no a humongous part of our life.

I’m not here to give you ‘gyaan’ on the pros and cons of Facebook or a facebook addiction lecture that we log on to facebook before we brush our teeth. Oh no no no. This blog is my observation of what I find funny on Facebook.

Check In Statuses: I find it amusing when some people update their check in status every time they visit a restaurant or a hotel or a zoo or any damn place on the planet. ‘ X has checked into the Taj Holiday Village, Goa’ lazing on her hammock’ or ‘ Y has checked into ITC Grand Maratha’ having tea’. I am tempted to put up a status ‘CHARMAINE HAS CHECKED INTO HER LOO AT 70G LETTING OUT SICHUAN FOOD FROM QI!’

Imagine if thieves and terrorists updated their statuses on Facebook.

‘ Osama Bin Laden has checked into Abbotabad’ ( maybe that’s how the US soldiers were able to trace his whereabouts) or

‘ Mona has checked into Global Trust Bank, Mumbai Branch….going to rob bank and get 100 tola sona’.

Religious statuses or holy pictures: Oh God these irk me. They go like this, ‘If you forward this prayer for good health to 25 friends you will be blessed with longevity till 100. If not your libido will dry out by 30.’

Then there’ll be pictures of prophets, saints, Gods etc where you need to type “Amen” or “Om”. Religion is a very private and controversial issue. We don’t need sermons or preaching or evangelization on a fun social networking site like Facebook. If you want to be religious, pray….. but not on Facebook.

 

Sickness Status:

Facebook status:  “Oh no I broke my back and I’m at the Queen Mary Hospital.’ (not that broken to post this absurd status.)

Then a friend will see that status and reply’ “ Awwww poor you. How did that happen?’ (why can’t friend just call or send a private message)

Reply to friend, “Fell off bed while doing ‘it’.

And the comments and will go on and on and on. Facebook sympathy.

 

Fakebook love : This amuses me the most. In reality X and Y despise each other. But if X puts up a profile picture where she may look as the nearest best thing to Godzilla ( as thought by Y), Y will still comment, “ Aww you look so pretty.” With 2 or 3 kiss emoticons.

Husband and wife may not see eye to eye at home or better still they are very much in love, Husband will wish wife ‘Happy Anniversary to the love of life’ on Facebook. Why? Don’t they share the same bed? Don’t they live in the same house?

Valentine’s day is indeed best. Facebook is filled with profile pictures of couples of different shapes, sizes and poses.

 

 

Photo Tags and Excess: Sometimes we are tagged in photographs in which we are not omnipresent. And you often wonder, “Where am I ?”. And friends will ask you’ “ Arrey where are you in that picture?”

Then there are some people who upload a zillion pictures of every facial expression, every part of their body, every part of the food that they’ve eaten, each piece of stone of the Taj Mahal and what not.

Narcissist statuses:  There’s this one group I’ve come across which I find extremely hilarious ( I am going to have  tomatoes thrown at me or maybe in the virtual world I’ll be blocked). So some ladies will post; “ It’s my birthday today, please wish me.” or “ It’s my husband’s brother’s wife’s mother’s sister’s birthday, please wish her.” Seriously!!

“Our new addition to the family, our black Jaguar V8 with 1000 horsepower. Thanks to my darling husband for this 6 month anniversary gift.” ( Maybe bechara husband will have to give her a Maybach for the first year anniversary.)

 

Groupies: There are ‘n’ number of groups created on Facebook. If you have any problem in your life, you just pose a question to that specific group and you’ll have a 1000 comments. Some may give you relevant answers to your problem, some will condemn you for asking such a question, some will go on a different tangent…. But yes your problem will have a solution, come what may.

 

I am sure there a million more statuses that we will find funny on Facebook. Let me know.

Here goes my poem:

Facebook, Fakebook, FunBook whatever you are

You’re the best entertainment…seriously by far.

We can stalk , we can mock

If we don’t like you,

100% your profile we’ll block.

 

We “Like’ those we despise

If profile pic gets 100 “likes’

Then we are seriously ‘beatified’

 

Mommy uses it,

daddy stalks aunty’s profile too

Wow they’ve even created a profile

For little baby boy of two.

 

All holiness on Facebook you will find

You can’t go to church today… don’t fret my angel

Just type “Amen’, God won’t mind

 

But I love you Faithful Facebook

No matter what…

You’re my morning entertainment

Whenever I’m on the pot.

‘Selfie’ Obsession

We all love ourselves….Come Come now, don’t lie. We all do.

But for some this love has kind of turned into an obsession where people have even turned narcissists.

Some people love clicking pictures of themselves with mouth open, exhibiting their stained pearlies just as they’re about to chomp into something delicious. These are the ‘Foodie selfies’. Why would one waste time clicking pictures of themselves eating is beyond logic. I would rather concentrate on food especially if it’s deliciously delectable.

Then there are some people who love clicking pictures in their underwear, either to show the world that ‘Look what a fabulous bod I have’ or ‘Look I can fit into Victoria Secret undies.’ Some click photos of themselves in their bare necessities and send such pictures to their spouses or lovers. Hopefully they reach the correct recipient.

 

Some love clicking selfies of them smoking or drinking or getting high on weed. They want to show the world how ‘ballsy’ and ‘badass’ they are. That’s the ‘Ballsy Selfie.’ They’ve seriously got the balls or the vaginas to click pictures for the moms and pops of the world to see that they smoke, drink and get high on cocaine.

Then there are the ‘ Sick selfies’. Those are selfies clicked to show to the world, ‘I am unwell, I’ve got the flu, aids, a cut finger, a scratch etc.’ But I still have the energy to click a picture and post it on instagram and facebook.

 

There are the ‘Big Boob selfies’ where some well endowed women love clicking pictures more of their cleavage than their face.

Some men love clicking pictures of themselves with their stubble or in their ‘Devdas’ state to get the ‘Grunge look selfie’.

There’s the ‘Gym look selfie’ where people will click pictures of themselves working out or one ab bulging out from God knows where or of themselves doing a split or some funny kamasutra pose in the gym.

 

There’s the ‘Duckie selfie’, ‘Pig face selfie’, ‘With Celebrity selfie’…there are loads of selfies we all click.

 

And let’s be honest it is fun. We all enjoy it. No wonder the selfie obsession led to the invention of ‘Selfie sticks’ or the ‘danda’ as I call it. Besides having to handle different sticks, there’s that addition too.

And as usual I’ll end with a crazy poem

FUNNY POSING STYLES

People in photographs have unique posing styles,

Some will bend their neck

or give a wide Julia Roberts smile.

Some will pose all grumpy like they’ve woken up from the wrong side of the bed

and some will pose with a funny smirk, with a side tilt of the head.

Some will stand erect like they’re taking orders from Hitler

And some will pose all ladylike whilst their eyelids flitter.

Some will have their pictures Instagramed or even photo shopped,

some may want to look fair or dark, thinner or heavy on top.

Some will pose like they’ve had hallucinogens or an overdose of cocaine

And some may smile like they’re constipated or suffering from Pms pain.

And then there are some who are self obsessed

who’ll click pictures of every facial expression with great duress

But then remember Madonna’s good ole song ‘Vogue’

where she sings Strike a pose, Strike a pose

Strike a pose

So no matter what I write or say

just strike a pose people

do it your own unique way.

– Charmaine Rangel

Another Year Older. Wiser???

So today I turn a ripe old 38 and I am happy about it. I know I sound absolutely warped right? But yes, I am happy to get a year older and hopefully wiser.

“Older people tend to be happier than younger people, and their happiness increases with age”, a study in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry reports.

So yes I am happy! I am happy with the crow feet near my eyes when I grin showcasing a chipped front tooth, maybe my boobs may sag a bit more this year and touch the tummy (not that I have been blessed with pomelos or papayas), maybe I’ll turn completely grey. But who cares! I am happy.

I realised I ‘Lived’ after I turned 36. I started learning tennis, playing the piano, hiking, running, started my own little bookworms club, learnt to smoke cigarettes ( need to try some weed)all post 36. Sadly, age and how we behave at a certain age is defined by the society we live in. If you think of yourself as old, then you’ll always feel old even at 25.

But age is just a number which cannot and will never define my mental capacity for sure. I will be crazy, eccentric and quirky at 38 and maybe crazier, quirkier and absolutely insane if granted life till 83.

So this year it’s going to be spending time with people, whom I love, people whom I enjoy being with, people who are positive and happy and most of all people with whom I can be my absolute crazy self.  I am going to hike more, spend more time climbing hills, peaks and be amidst nature, run more and most of all try to be a better human being.

Heres a poem I wrote for myself and I hum to myself:

Happy birthday to me,

Happy birthday to me,

Thank god I’ve got 28 teeth and not 23.

I can eat all I want, Nutella and pancakes galore

And if I put on some pounds,

I’ll climb Stanley or Victoria’s peaks some more.

I’ll control my tongue when I want to give back

To the nincompoops and fools when brains they do lack.

I’ll colour my grey locks; maybe burgundy, red or blue

And get some more teeth so I can bite more and chew.

Happy birthday to me,

Happy birthday to me,

I still have 24 months till I turn forty.

But this year I wish for happiness and good health

For my friends and my family who are my biggest wealth.

 

Crazy little thing called Love

Yes, that song by Elvis has been playing in my head all day.

What is this love, shove??

Wars have been fought, monuments have been built, lovers have laid down their lives…example; Ranjha ate the poisoned ladoo left by Heer, Romeo drank the poison left by Juliet… all in the name of love.

Dialogues have been ‘maraoed’ “Main tere bina nahi jee sakoonga! Tere bina rehna, maut hi sahi!” (I can’t live without you. Death is better!)

Seriously what the hell is this absolutely bizarre, ludicrous thing called Love?

• Love makes the wimpiest people heroes a la Shahrukh Khan from Koyla to fetch a bottle of water from a store to quench lady love’s thirst.

  • It’ll make the laziest people travel in the most crowded train ever, get his toes squashed and other anatomy too just to accompany lady love to her workplace.

  • It’ll make a carnivore, a lover of meat, an herbivore; just to please the vegetarian lady love. He’ll even Google all the restaurants that serve vegetarian and make a list or bookmark it, just to make sure his lady is happy.

  • It’ll make him watch movies that he never deigned watch before he met his lass

  • Love will make him a dishwasher, a mechanic, a launder, a cook if required

  • It’ll make him/her inhale aromatic farts and noisy burps with a 32 teeth smile

  • She may look like the backside of a bus, but for this bugger, she’s the prettiest girl in the universe and could give Miss Universe a run for her crown.

  • It will make you a doctor when he/she is unwell and a watch dog if your child is unwell

  • It’ll make you weep tears of joy when you see your peanut size firstborn’s sonography in your womb

  • It’ll make you a superwoman or a superman for your child

  • It’ll make you a selfie expert where myriads of photographs will be clicked and sent to him as he is your fashion critic

  • Love will make time fly faster than the speed of light if you’re with the right person

  • Love is endless chatter on any subject under the sun, moon and stars

  • It is absolute comfortability when you’re with the right person

  • It is a combination of all sciences, chemistry, biology, physics all rolled into one

• Yes love is all this and more. It’s a paradox. It’ll make you, break you, cut you, kill you and cure you. But in the end we all need it. Love is a drug and we are addicted… similar to my addiction to Nutella.

And on this note I’ll end with a crazy poem

A Different kind of love

I cannot take my eyes of you,  all dressed in white with blotches of black and red,

and colour of chocolate spread generously, over a slice of white bread.

I love the way you gaze at me  and you know I love it too.

You know how my heart beats for you, my darling,

I don’t need to utter those three little words ” I love you”.

It was love at first sight from our first meet, that happened years ago.

And from that moment till today,  it’s difficult to let you go.

As I  reach out slowly to touch you,  I can feel beads of sweat trickle down my head

I’ve held you in my hands before, but this time nervousness has taken over instead.

I feel your softness on my lips, a shiver goes down my spine.

But it’s just you, me and the silver spoon, Aaaaah ..NUTELLA…you are indeed, blissfully divine. 😉

T’is the month of love and loss

Aaaahhhh it’s February, the month of love or the month where many hapless humans are left penniless wooing prospective girlfriends/ boyfriends/ wives/ wives or husbands of others.

A month where lovers of all kinds, shapes, sizes, nationalities, gender and age are left with humongous holes in their pockets.

14^th February is named after Saint Valentine who was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire.

Strangely, there is nothing saintly or religious on this day which is exclusively now a celebration of love and lovers and of course incessant spending.

“Darling, Valentine’s day is next week. But I don’t want anything! You are all I want and all I will ever need.” says wife to husband or girlfriend to boyfriend. But please Mister Husband/ Boyfriend read between the lines. She actually means, ‘surprise me with something that glitters and which is embedded in gold or you’ll be sleeping on that uncomfortable couch’.

 

So what exactly happens in February and especially on Valentine’s day….the day of  LOVE:

• Greeting card shops will be making obscene amounts of money this month as boyfriend will express ‘ I love you’ by purchasing over a dozen cards to profess his love in words he can’t understand or comprehend, in addition to chocolates and maybe an expensive piece of jewelry to woo his lady love.
• Courier companies will also be profiting as huge 6 feet red stuffed teddy bears or red hearts or rabbits or stuffed dogs will be transported to lady love’s house, so that she can cuddle with these stuffed giants to make up for lover boy’s or girl’s absence. Hopefully only cuddling!
• Condom companies may come out with condoms with tiny red hearts or red condoms with tiny white hearts or words like ‘love me and lick me’. You never know.
• It will be a ‘Flushed with Funds February’ for chocolatiers, jewelers, florists, restaurants… you name it. Chocolate hearts, heart shaped balloons, restaurants offering exclusive menus for that day. Maybe they can start an ‘Eat from the same plate’ concept so that boy and girl can feed each other lovingly with her on his lap or vice versa from a heart shaped plate with morsels in the shape of hearts; making it a truly ‘Hearty’ meal.

• Lovey dovey songs will be played. Bryan Adam will be crooning ‘Everything I do, I do it for you’, Ellie Goulding will be heard singing ‘ Love me like you do’ on CD players or radios which have not been switched on the entire 365 days in the year. But on that special day, music with lyrics on love will be heard as man and woman tries to celebrate this day of love.  
• Couples who never looked into each other’s eyes or were oblivious to the colour of their better halves iris will do so on that special day.
• Husband who has never ever shopped for or with wife will be forced to do so for/on the 14^th February.
• Impossible promises will be made like ‘ I promise I won’t fart under the quilt’ or ‘ I promise not to burp loudly after a meal’ or ‘ I promise to sleep on my side of the bed’ or ‘I promise not to eat from your plate’ etc. which will all be forgotten on the following day.
• Corner seats at theatres will be booked for late night show movies where couples will be canoodling in their seats instead of watching the screen.
• Helicopters and yachts will be booked to get a bird’s or fish view of the city which has already been viewed many times before. Maybe he/she will propose up in the air or under the sea.
• Tattoos will be embedded with the name of his/ her beloved on parts visible or invisible to the human eye.
• Anti- Valentine day marches and bans will be carried out by various political parties on this day of love.
• 

The list can go on and on and on and on .I am not a dampener of this day. It’s fun, eat, enjoy and love but I can’t put on my ‘love’ avatar only on 14^th February. For me love is what you feel and do every single day of your life. Live, Love and Laugh.. that’s my motto.

I’ll end as usual with my crazy poem

Emotional Blackmail letter to a lover

Hello darling,

Valentine’s day is next week… will you shower me with gifts along with your ‘I Love You’ Or do you want to buy me a silk crimson dress and a pair of red suede shoes?

But don’t expect me to jingle like Santa and laugh and say ‘Ho Ho Ho’.

It’s Valentine’s day honey….Christmas is over long ago!

Don’t worry I’ll make it simple…you can buy me a 50 cent carat diamond ring,

Or if that’s burning a hole in your pocket I’ll settle for simple diamond studded bling.

If that’s too expensive I don’t mind an LV or Dior Clutch,

Now, now…my sweetheart…it really doesn’t cost that much.

Or you can buy me a watch, not a Piagget or an Omega,

I’ll settle for a Rolex my dear, I’m sure you can buy that for your Senorita!

I’m really not being demanding or materialistic too,

I know you want to express yourself…

Ain’t this the best way to say ‘I Love You!’

Your one and only non materialistic love!!